February 9, 2004
Feeling Stupid
Posted by Larry Karnowski at February 9, 2004 9:15 AMSo I've had a lot of lady friends who've told me that when they've gone to the mechanic or car dealer or what have you, that the men there make them feel stupid. They've always chalked it up to their being a woman.
Well, I'm starting to understand how that feels. Try being a man, without a clue, trying to talk to a butcher in the supermarket about getting some meat for a recipe that you've never cooked before. Sheesh. You'd think they'd be a little lenient with me, as I obviously have no clue.
Let me tell you. I cannot cook. I've never learned how. I can muddle through a couple of drop-dead simple recipes (and screw them up), but nothing really near what you'd call cooking. My Mom just didn't want help in the kitchen. ;-) (Wonder why?)
So this year, sick to death of eating nothing but crappy take-out and pre-packaged food day after day, I'm resigned to learn a couple of recipes by God that will keep me alive. I figured I'd tackle meatloaf this past weekend. What simpler, more American dish is there?
I even bought a book, Dad's Own Cookbook, for men who've no clue in the kitchen. I figured, "sounds like me." The author promises to tell you everything, and assume you know nothing. Except, um, here's what he's assumed so far:
1) That I know how to beat an egg. I hope I'm doing that right. (Don't laugh! I don't know anything, so I can't take anything for granted!)
2) That I'd know what chopped parsley is. Does he mean get fresh parsley and chop it? Or does he mean parsley flakes? Sheesh!!!
3) And this is what took me to the butcher -- his meatloaf calls for 1/2 lb of ground beef (easy enough), 1/2 lb of ground veal (wtf?), and 1/2 lb of ground pork. Where do you get ground veal? Was I supposed to ground it myself? I never remember Mom putting VEAL in our meatloaf! ;-) Also, you can't buy 1/2 lb of anything! They sell it in whatever size they think appropriate, which makes no sense to those outside of the butchery arts. So I ask the butcher-lady, who seems pissed off and tells me that I can't get those. Evidently it's against the regulations or something. She's really snotty about it. Made me feel a bit dumb. So I opted for just 1.5 lbs of regular ground beef. ;-)
All this really makes me respect my friend, the Blue Artichoke, all the more. She's in culinary school up in Vancouver right now, and reading her site just makes my head hurt. You know how some of you folks complain that you can't follow the Racoon's site? That's how I feel with Miss Artichoke's blog. :-)
O'kay, so it's my fault you can't cook? Please!! My kitchen is so small you have to go outside to change your mind. But, when Cassidy asked me to teach her how to cook, I was more than willing! As I recall, you left for college and then moved out, long before any ideas of cooking ever entered your mind! If you want to make meatloaf, all you had to do was call or e-mail me and I would have talked you through it step by step!Meatloaf is easy. You could mess up a wet dream!! Lub U :oP
Posted by: Mom at February 9, 2004 3:00 PMAnd one more thing, I don't know who the jack ass is that wrote the book you have, but who in the world ever put ground veal and ground pork in a meatloaf?? Is he trying to teach you to cook gourmet style or what? and I'm sorry about the wet dream remark. You just seem to make things more complicated then they have to be. But keep trying. Just call your mother!
Posted by: Mom again at February 9, 2004 3:20 PMMom, well, first off -- ewww! Don't write stuff like that on my blog! That's the kind of stuff that I'd delete if it wasn't from my MOTHER! ;-) (And actually, being from my Mother makes it even worse!)
And yes, you certainly JUMPED to the occasion when Cassidy asked you to teach her to cook! Hmmm... a little sexism in my own family, huh? HEH!
Love you! (Even though it's entirely your fault I can't cook! Uh huh, your fault ENTIRELY. None of my own. Whatsoever. None.) ;-)
Posted by: larry at February 9, 2004 3:31 PMProud to say that I've never used the words "Meatloaf" and "wet dream" in the same sentence...before right now.
My vote for video of the year:
http://home.comcast.net/~packss/heyyacb.html
Posted by: Shane O. at February 9, 2004 6:08 PMLarry, I'll send you some of my easiest recipes. It's not that I find cooking difficult -- it's that I'm one lazy mofo when it comes to making dinner. You and Benjamin shall eat right.
Posted by: Amy at February 9, 2004 8:11 PMDon't feel bad Larry. I've screwed up a number of dishes in my early days of cooking. I've probably told you that I tried to make my wife (girlfriend at the time) fettucini with a low-fat sauce. The only problem is that I didn't know the difference between a clove of garlic and a bulb. Needless to say common sense and caution did not intrude upon the decision.
One of my roommates walked in just as I was sauteing up the mound of garlic. He exclamed "WTF!?" and he simply snickered as I told him I was sauteing two "cloves" of garlic. Needless to say it was inedible to Deb, but I ate the whole lot. Next day at the beach I was the ONLY person not to get bit by a single bug.
Of course no one wanted to be within ten feet of me either; can't say that much has changed in that respect either...
As with all things, practice makes perfect. Even wet dreams, I guess (HAHAHAHAHHA!). Just keep the number for the local pizza place handy.
Posted by: Commander Clueless at February 10, 2004 12:09 AMIt's not just you, Larry! (and it's not just guys ...). I've been trying to be good and cook more. Which is fine, but sometimes recipes call for things such as cornstarch. I think I know what it until I go to the store looking for some tonight. Is it liquid? Powder? Solid? Gas? Plasma? Not knowing makes it very hard to find. All cookbooks should come with an extensive, detailed glossary, I've decided. Preferably with pictures. Anyway ... it's a powder. Just so you know.
Posted by: Stacy at February 11, 2004 7:10 PMLarry, I put some recipes up for you on my site and also gave you a link to a good website for food terms/defintions/etc.
And it's funny you mention cornstarch, Stacy, since I just bought my very first box of it within the last month.
Posted by: Amy at February 11, 2004 9:02 PMLarry.....listen to your Mom. If I remember correctly, we had so much energy invested in our imaginations, we hardly had time for anything else. I'll stand up for you Mother K. All I can remember was having good food and good times over at your house. By the way, I wished the road had not cut off the property that much. Do you guys still live there? I think I see some other oldschool people on the links above. I found this blog by looking up old friends from HS. Larry...did you know about the picture of you at the table at some festival? The caption mentioned Ben as well. At any rate, I hope everyone is doing well. Oh yes, is there a way to email you guys directly? I left an email address above. I will check back.
Posted by: friend at February 12, 2004 12:56 AMAn interesting thing I learned about cornstarch last night, besides it's a powder, is you don't want to dump it in your water, walk away for maybe 5 seconds to find a mixing spoon, and then come back expecting to stir. Because by then it's much like cement, except not gray. That's my helpful cooking hint for the day.
Posted by: Stacy at February 12, 2004 8:51 AMThe end all, be all recipie
-Toast 2 pieces of bread
-slather peanut butter on one piece
-place 2 pieces of salami (preferably Cotto)one piece
-join the two pieces together as a sandwich
-prepare for a taste of heaven.
1) Yes, he really does eat that.
2) Yes, it really is as nasty as it sounds.
G, I'm down buddy. I'll have to try that.
Posted by: larry at February 12, 2004 1:31 PMOh man, Larry. Before you do that I feel it's only fair to point out that that recipe comes from someone who actually likes circus peanuts.
Just so you know what you're dealing with.
Posted by: Stacy at February 12, 2004 2:08 PMDUDE, I freakin' LOVE circus peanuts! My brother does too! You're the man, G!
Posted by: larry at February 12, 2004 2:10 PMYou guys are so going to get married. ;P
Posted by: Stacy at February 12, 2004 4:20 PMLarry will probably love that sandwich, after all
he comes from a man who used to love peanut butter, mayonaise and raisin sandwiches!!YUCK! Frank grew up in a family with ten (yes I said 10) kids and they used to see who could come up with the nastiest sandwhich, and lucky me, I married the all time winner. So it really makes me wonder when he brags on my cooking!!!
