August 29, 2005
Angel flying too close to the suck
Posted by Stacy Chandler at August 29, 2005 2:19 AMAll right, no one seems to be saying it, so I will: Willie Nelson. Buddy. Stop it with the whoring.
It was bad enough -- plenty bad -- when you duetted, if you can call it that, with Toby Keith. Toby Keith??? Willie, seriously! He's a caveman! He can't sing, and he can't write unless he's "inspired" by the jangle of money hitting his bank account courtesy of the red, white, and blue demand to prove one's patriotism by buying dopey albums capitalizing on 9/11. You, Willie Nelson, write songs that are classic. You do not depend on the knee-jerk reaction. You do not cash in on tragedy. You do not dye your hair blond. You do not need Toby Keith to boost your cred. You outcred him by billions of, um, whatever unit of measure one uses to measure cred. Billions! Yes.
But now, Willie Nelson, you're really testing us. Jessica Simpson? Are you insane??? She makes Toby Keith sound like Pavarotti! She wears Daisy Dukes for a reason: She can't sing. Duh. So in the "These Boots Were Made for Walking" video from "Dukes of Hazzard" when she's on that cute lil' wooden stage in the fake honky-tonk caterwauling and shaking her ass for the fake cowboy dancers, well, you look kinda dumb, Willie Nelson. For real, it's embarassing. And did you have to kiss her? Huh? Did you? (I hear Larry and Sean preparing to jump in here ...) I mean, ew. You're at least 900 times her age. That's just gross.
Also gross is how you allowed some producer to turn your voice waaaay down in the song, so really you can't even hear it. I was shocked when I heard that song billed as a duet -- I didn't even know you were singing on it until I saw the video! I'm glad you're not a diva, Willie Nelson, and I'm glad you're open minded and hip enough to keep up with the young kids and all that. But dammit, man! Next time some 20-year-old producer turns down your vocals so we can hear Jessica Simpson better, start throwing shit, OK? Please.
But before you start thinking I'm all bitterness and no love, let me end with a note of praise: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Willie Nelson, for not appearing in the "These Boots" video's bikini car-wash scene. Really, thanks.
I don't recall Willie having been anointed as anyone's moral compass. He's in it for the money.
Toby Keith has done more for singer-songwriters in Nashville lately than just about anyone else. His plans to start his own record label showcasing writer/performers have attracted a lot of folks like Willie into his camp. Call it whoring if you will, but someone with investment capital and an interest in songwriters is a rare thing in this business lately. Most record producers nowadays seem to be scouting gyms and strip clubs.
As to the soft porn aspect, it is, after all, the "entertainment" business - sluttish gals and hunky jocks looking available and promising low moral standards for the price of admission is what Americans seem to prefer. It is, at least, what they have proved willing pay for.
A lot of people have gone broke overestimating the taste of the buying public. Willie will not be one of them.
Posted by: Jim Pipkin at August 29, 2005 8:45 AMYou're absolutely right. It's disgraceful. All I can say in Willie's defense is that if you're a man in your 70s and you get to be around Jessica Simpson all day while you're shooting some lame-ass video, it's still probably a pretty good day.
Posted by: Sean at August 29, 2005 8:46 AMYep. Toby Keith is an ass-wipe.
Don't tell Sean.
Shane O.
Posted by: Shane O. at August 30, 2005 9:10 AMSean is surrounded by many, many people who hate Toby Keith, so he is well-versed in the ways of Toby-suck.
Posted by: Sharon at August 30, 2005 1:29 PMSo I guess my life-size Toby Keith bed pillow will not find a market here amongst thou "Non-Warriors"?
As an old pro once said, a performer who can empty a 500-seat venue can fill a stadium.
Toby's filling stadiums, that's gotta rankle!
Posted by: Jim Pipkin at August 30, 2005 2:09 PMAnd if he's filling stadiums, he's gotta be good! Just like Hilary Duff ...
Posted by: Stacy at August 30, 2005 9:35 PMProfitable doesn't know good or bad. There's what works, and what doesn't.
Posted by: Jim Pipkin at August 31, 2005 4:08 PMI don't think Toby Keith is an ass-wipe at all. He's a hardnosed businessman in a tough industry, and he's hard as nails. My guess is he'd eat any one of us alive, with no salt, to get what he wanted out of life.
All of your heroes and sheroes are exactly the same - scratch Steve Earle and you'll find stainless steel, he cuts sharp deals. That's why he's still playing music instead of selling used cars in San Antonio. Talent won't take you half a block - it is mostly hustle.
Music is subjective, what one person loves another just naturally hates. But unless you know the person behind the package, all the sidewalk supervision in the world don't mean squat.
As for Hilary, well, I'm sure she has at least a couple of redeeming qualities. I can see them from here.
Posted by: Jim Pipkin at August 31, 2005 4:32 PMThe original point wasn't whether Toby Keith was an ass-wipe or not -- it was that he's a bad songwriter, especially compared to Willie Nelson. Yes, whether music is good or not is subjective. However, I haven't run into many people in my life who would think the following is great writing: "She'll remember me until the day she forgets me / We'd still be together but she left me." (And I'm just talking about bare-bones writing, not about how there's at least one or two other things that rhyme with "me" besides "me.")
Toby can't even put part of the blame on Scotty Emerick -- he wrote that doozy all by himself. Apparently while on the crapper!
Posted by: Sharon at September 1, 2005 2:42 PMBut what if the song is all about "me"??
I must, in all truth, hang my head and admit that the writing there is...well...er...
OK, it stinketh mightily.
But I still like Toby, and maybe if I suck up enough to him on these pages, he will develop a "guy crush" on me and offer me a sweet pulishing deal.
Are you out there, big guy? Wanna cuddle?
Posted by: Jim Pipkin at September 1, 2005 7:03 PMLook out, Hilary Duff! If Toby says no to the spooning, I think you're next on Jim's list! ;)
Posted by: Stacy at September 1, 2005 11:40 PMI may be a whore, but I have my standards.
Posted by: Jim Pipkin at September 2, 2005 12:23 AM Yes, Toby Keith is bad. Glad to see someone taking Willie to task on his banal collaberations of late.......I've always suspected he was Clintonesque in the political musical sense......Farm Aid? Yeah, just a couple three or four decades late, Willie. The Shakeout is done...its coporate. I'm writing from nebraska.
Toby Keith....If what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico....then why not the nationals looking for work.
Toby Keith, in the great tradition of Oklahoma songwriters, Garth Brooks, etc...who cares.
