April 7, 2008
Mortal Kombat: Twang
Posted by Stacy Chandler at April 7, 2008 12:10 AMHere in the Chandler household, we sure do like our alt-country. We also like video games. My husband, Geoffrey, likes both so very, very much that he decided to combine the two. At least in his mind. What follows is Geoffrey's vision of an alt-country video game. This one is definitely rated M for mature:
I like videogames. I also like “alt country” (whatever that is).
Sometimes, in order to make things more interesting for me in the songs when I
am trying to ignore the harmonizing, I like to think of who might win in a
fight between certain bands. Think “Def Jam: Fight for NY” mixed with “Mortal Kombat” with the cast of Austin City Limits. We all know
that our favorite musicians have superpowers (otherwise how could they have
escaped the fiery gravity of
|
Artist / Champion |
Board / Setting |
Powers / Abilities |
|
The Jayhawks / Gary Louris |
Their manager’s office, right at the point of signing a bunk record deal |
The power to break up and reunite in the middle of a fight, thus confusing the opponent The power to harmonize to the point of pain. Gary Louris’ hair can shoot lightning and cure blindness. |
|
Ryan Adams |
A back alley behind Quizno’s at
4 a.m. |
Two fighting modes “Greasy dopemups mode” where he can just sit there and take all kinds of damage –or- “Rage filled dopemups mode” where he gets a phone and the opponent is suddenly holding an answering machine to be the target of a blistering verbal assault |
|
Steve Earle |
The park on a beautiful sunny day in mid April in NYC |
Two fighting modes – or – |
|
Donna The |
Any outdoor music festival on about your 3rd day without a shower |
Whips opponents into a pachouli scented hippie dancing frenzy until they fall out from exhaustion and dehydration (festival water is too expensive). |
|
Rhett Miller |
A smallish music venue filled with 20 and 30 somethings |
Has Medusa like powers with his awesome rockstar hair. Also has the ability to make opponents stop fighting and propose to their partners every time he plays “Question”. |
|
Jeff Tweedy |
Inside the tree where he lives and makes cookies. |
He’s tiny. He runs between opponent’s feet and ties their shoelaces together. He also has the power to turn into a hairy little VW. |
|
Patterson Hood |
A bar. An angry, angry bar. |
Whisky drinking - once his whisky meter fills up, he lets out a soul shattering scream and sets all things around him on fire. That or he just makes you feel confused with a mixture of guilt and pride of being from the south to the point to where you drink yourself prostrate at his feet. |
|
David Eugene Edwards (16 HP) |
A dark, featureless room with one barstool. |
16 HP mode - He wails on the squeezebox so much that you drown in his sweat and guilt. Finishing move – he converts to Woven Hand Mode, thus converting opponents to fundamentalist Christianity and ending the desire to fight. |
|
Lucinda Williams |
Anywhere. She turns up just about everywhere. |
Sort of like Sindel from Mortal Kombat. Yep, the hair. Finishing move- she takes every band that she has ever been featured with and attacks opponents in a devastating human wave attack of musicianship. |
|
Willie Nelson |
His tour bus. In the middle of the fight you find yourself somehow miniaturized and fighting on top of his signature guitar. |
Weed. |
|
Jay Farrar |
The beginning and end of all things. The point of creation and annihilation; the threshold. |
The final boss. He has the power to turn opponents to pillars of salt with his shark like eyes, go back to the point of your conception to keep it from happening and the ability to take on the powers of any deity you may think of. You can’t win this game, son. |